Hola blog world!
I'm so behind on this exciting news, but we've been out of town. Sorry!!
Wednesday we had our ultrasound and after a long process with our apparently stubborn baby, we were able to discover that it's a GIRL!!! For the entire ultrasound, she had her legs crossed and was sitting indian style which did not give us a good view at all of her private parts! We finished the ultrasound and were so thankful to see that everything else looked perfect and healthy... but baby still was being very stubborn and would not uncross its legs!! Finally they did a vaginal ultrasound (because I was so insistent) and we were able to see that she was girl! We're very excited and I must say I am relieved that I will not have to rid my house and life of the abundance of pink that we have accumulated with Addisyn:)
When we were pregnant with Addisyn, we pretty much decided on a name as soon as we knew her gender. For me, once I know if it's a boy or girl that's when I really can picture this baby in our lives and I want to go ahead and give it a name and an identity! At the time of the ultrasound, we were not sure of a name. We had a few boys names that we kinda liked and a couple girls names that I liked (but Eric hated) and that was about it. I knew though that once I saw my baby on that screen.... the name would just come.
Is the suspense killing you yet?!?!?!
Here goes....
Her name is Makenzi Hope! (Maybe Makenzie!?! Still deciding on my favorite spelling)
I'll give you the story behind the name in another post. Right now I gotta make dinner:)
Monday, June 27, 2011
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Update
So i'm in Myrtle Beach this week visiting my Grandparents with my mom, Patricia and Addisyn...Good times!
Thank you to all (three) of you who prayed for my endocrinology appointment! The doctor said while I was there that she felt like any abnormalities were related to the pregnancy and would correct themselves if they hadn't already. They drew blood while I was there and ran another panel of tests and I got a call Monday saying that "my thyroid was functioning completely normal." Thank you, Jesus:)
Thank you to all (three) of you who prayed for my endocrinology appointment! The doctor said while I was there that she felt like any abnormalities were related to the pregnancy and would correct themselves if they hadn't already. They drew blood while I was there and ran another panel of tests and I got a call Monday saying that "my thyroid was functioning completely normal." Thank you, Jesus:)
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
The sun WILL come out tomorrow!
I'm very excited to say i've been having many more good days lately!! I went back to the Dr. last thursday, and my blood pressure was 98/60! I've been able to drive again and just feel much more like myself. I have been instructed to drink a minimum of 96 oz of water a day to keep my BP up and to stay hydrated so i'm basically just chuggin away:)
Heartburn/acid reflux is of the devil, I have decided. It has tried to creep in as my new "joy-stealer" but so far we're not letting it get in too far. Protonix has helped and watching what/when I eat....as well as sleeping practically sitting up. I struggled with acid reflux some at this point in the pregnancy with Addisyn too. Doctors' say it is mainly because my stomach and esophagus are so "torn up" (my word choice, not theirs) after all the initial nausea and vomiting that it just needs some time to heal. Hopefully, it will heal up quickly and i'll be back to eating hot wings and chunks of garlic in no time.
Prayer Request: Thursday I have an appointment to see an endocrinologist about my thyroid. This is an appointment that has been set since right after my hospital stay due to some abnormal thyroid scans. I believe that we serve a big God who has everything in control and I KNOW in my heart that this is not going to be a big deal. I experienced some similar abnormalities with my first pregnancy and it all regulated back out on its own. I'm going to the appointment though to do the responsible thing and see this out to the end. I truly believe this is not going to amount to anything and I would appreciate it if you (anyone who may see this this week) would pray and believe for that as well.
On a happier note, June 22nd we find out if Baby Numero Dos is a boy or girl! I'll have to post a vote thing so all 3 of you who read this (basically my mom) can vote on if you think it's a boy or girl:)
On a silly pregnancy note, I think my sister got totally grossed out by me yesterday...and probably rightfully so. Patricia and I split a sub from Jersey Mike's...and yes, I know deli meat is very controversial, but I HAD BEEN WANTING THAT SUB FOR A WEEK! It was amazing. And you know what my favorite part was!?!? The mayonnaise! I told Patricia "This sandwich makes me just want to scoop a tub of mayonnaise into my mouth!" She rolled her eyes at me;)
*UPDATE* I chowed on my mom's chicken salad tonight. I'm TOTALLY on a mayonnaise kick;)
Heartburn/acid reflux is of the devil, I have decided. It has tried to creep in as my new "joy-stealer" but so far we're not letting it get in too far. Protonix has helped and watching what/when I eat....as well as sleeping practically sitting up. I struggled with acid reflux some at this point in the pregnancy with Addisyn too. Doctors' say it is mainly because my stomach and esophagus are so "torn up" (my word choice, not theirs) after all the initial nausea and vomiting that it just needs some time to heal. Hopefully, it will heal up quickly and i'll be back to eating hot wings and chunks of garlic in no time.
Prayer Request: Thursday I have an appointment to see an endocrinologist about my thyroid. This is an appointment that has been set since right after my hospital stay due to some abnormal thyroid scans. I believe that we serve a big God who has everything in control and I KNOW in my heart that this is not going to be a big deal. I experienced some similar abnormalities with my first pregnancy and it all regulated back out on its own. I'm going to the appointment though to do the responsible thing and see this out to the end. I truly believe this is not going to amount to anything and I would appreciate it if you (anyone who may see this this week) would pray and believe for that as well.
On a happier note, June 22nd we find out if Baby Numero Dos is a boy or girl! I'll have to post a vote thing so all 3 of you who read this (basically my mom) can vote on if you think it's a boy or girl:)
On a silly pregnancy note, I think my sister got totally grossed out by me yesterday...and probably rightfully so. Patricia and I split a sub from Jersey Mike's...and yes, I know deli meat is very controversial, but I HAD BEEN WANTING THAT SUB FOR A WEEK! It was amazing. And you know what my favorite part was!?!? The mayonnaise! I told Patricia "This sandwich makes me just want to scoop a tub of mayonnaise into my mouth!" She rolled her eyes at me;)
*UPDATE* I chowed on my mom's chicken salad tonight. I'm TOTALLY on a mayonnaise kick;)
Monday, May 30, 2011
Today
Today was a good day. Really good.
I've felt about as normal as I think is possible and my husband actually convinced me to go to the pool this afternoon! I loved watching my favorite guy and my favorite lil girl splash around! It did my soul good....
Thank you, Jesus, for Your encouragement.
I've felt about as normal as I think is possible and my husband actually convinced me to go to the pool this afternoon! I loved watching my favorite guy and my favorite lil girl splash around! It did my soul good....
Thank you, Jesus, for Your encouragement.
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Random Thoughts
So this past week was rough. One of the worst weeks i've had in a while. I gave tidbits of info in my previous post and lets just say to sum it all up I threw up almost constantly from about 3:30-8:30 on Friday evening. By the end of the night, I felt like I had been mugged and beaten with a baseball bat (or at least what I imagine that would feel like). All in all...glad the week is over.
My mom has been such a help and encouragement throughout this pregnancy. She has been with me almost constantly during the days, helping out with Addisyn or being my chauffeur (especially recently since I can't drive with my low blood pressure). She is there to listen when i'm discouraged and she always has an encouraging word. Friday she sent me this text that meant so much to me: "Hang in there. Survive another day. Check this day off and tomorrow you'll conquer tomorrow." She is so good about keeping things in perspective. Love you, Mom.
Let me also say that my husband, Eric, has been absolutely AMAZING throughout this first trimester. He is my rock..I can't imagine doing this with anyone else. He comes home from work, figures out dinner for me and Addisyn, puts her to bed, cleans up the house, does the laundry, tucks me into bed, brings me a glass of water, or my meds, or a hot pack for my neck or anything else I may need, then he takes care of the dogs and falls into bed around 10 pm. And he doesn't complain. Ever. As you can imagine...this doesn't exactly make for a blissful, honeymoon stage for us though. It's a lot of work for him. The other night I told him, "Eric when i'm feeling better (whenever that may be) we are going on a DATE!!! A real date! We're gonna celebrate my birthday (I turned 25 in April, but we did nothing because I puked all day), We're gonna celebrate our anniversary (We have to attend a family reunion on our anniversary in June), We're gonna celebrate that WE MADE IT THROUGH THIS! Save your money, honey!" .... I was thinking a day trip to Raleigh, complete with some shopping and maybe a gift for him at the Apple store;) He started looking at resorts in Cabo!! Apparently he thinks we deserve more than just a "date" once the first half of this pregnancy is over!! LOL! (P.S. We probably aren't doing anything that extravagant...however, we have talked about a family trip where we would be able to spend some quality time with Addisyn since she won't be our only child for too much longer. Sniffle Sniffle Tear).
On that note, one thing i've been praying this week is that after all this suffering, that we would know a joy we cannot even imagine when our 2nd child is born. That our little family would feel a completeness that we didn't know existed. That I would not be able to fathom our life without our TWO children. That it would just be right in a way that is exceedingly, abundantly above all I could ask or think. And I know it will be...
My mom has been such a help and encouragement throughout this pregnancy. She has been with me almost constantly during the days, helping out with Addisyn or being my chauffeur (especially recently since I can't drive with my low blood pressure). She is there to listen when i'm discouraged and she always has an encouraging word. Friday she sent me this text that meant so much to me: "Hang in there. Survive another day. Check this day off and tomorrow you'll conquer tomorrow." She is so good about keeping things in perspective. Love you, Mom.
Let me also say that my husband, Eric, has been absolutely AMAZING throughout this first trimester. He is my rock..I can't imagine doing this with anyone else. He comes home from work, figures out dinner for me and Addisyn, puts her to bed, cleans up the house, does the laundry, tucks me into bed, brings me a glass of water, or my meds, or a hot pack for my neck or anything else I may need, then he takes care of the dogs and falls into bed around 10 pm. And he doesn't complain. Ever. As you can imagine...this doesn't exactly make for a blissful, honeymoon stage for us though. It's a lot of work for him. The other night I told him, "Eric when i'm feeling better (whenever that may be) we are going on a DATE!!! A real date! We're gonna celebrate my birthday (I turned 25 in April, but we did nothing because I puked all day), We're gonna celebrate our anniversary (We have to attend a family reunion on our anniversary in June), We're gonna celebrate that WE MADE IT THROUGH THIS! Save your money, honey!" .... I was thinking a day trip to Raleigh, complete with some shopping and maybe a gift for him at the Apple store;) He started looking at resorts in Cabo!! Apparently he thinks we deserve more than just a "date" once the first half of this pregnancy is over!! LOL! (P.S. We probably aren't doing anything that extravagant...however, we have talked about a family trip where we would be able to spend some quality time with Addisyn since she won't be our only child for too much longer. Sniffle Sniffle Tear).
On that note, one thing i've been praying this week is that after all this suffering, that we would know a joy we cannot even imagine when our 2nd child is born. That our little family would feel a completeness that we didn't know existed. That I would not be able to fathom our life without our TWO children. That it would just be right in a way that is exceedingly, abundantly above all I could ask or think. And I know it will be...
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Trying to stay optimistic
Trying to stay optimistic is hard when it feels like things are going "one step forward, two steps back."
Sunday: Started having some bleeding/spotting. Wasn't really worried about it because it didn't come with any typical warning signs. Just one more thing to have to deal with.
Monday: Dropped Addisyn off at my parents house for 5 minutes to go pick up some food for myself. (This was one of probably 3 times I had been out by myself since finding out about the pregnancy)...and it didn't go well. Ended up blacking out at Moe's, then having to rush to the bathroom to puke my guts out, then stumbled out of the store looking like the scariest thing ever. My dad had to come pick me up, because I couldn't drive. All around most awful experience ever.
Tuesday: Still some bleeding and dizziness. Called the doctor just to check in and of course they want me to come right in. My mom has to take me since i'm still not driving. GOOD NEWS: Baby's heartbeat sounds good.... bleeding no source of concern right now, just take it easy. BAD NEWS: My blood pressure is 80/50 (very low) which is causing my fainting, dizziness.
Wednesday: SOOOO dizzy. Can't do anything. Almost faint when just trying to walk to the bathroom. My mom was here helping me all day. I felt sooo crappy.
Thursday: Decided to change up some medications in case that was what was making my blood pressure so low. Puked my guts up all morning. If it's not one thing that's going wrong, it's another.
That's all i've got for today...
Sunday: Started having some bleeding/spotting. Wasn't really worried about it because it didn't come with any typical warning signs. Just one more thing to have to deal with.
Monday: Dropped Addisyn off at my parents house for 5 minutes to go pick up some food for myself. (This was one of probably 3 times I had been out by myself since finding out about the pregnancy)...and it didn't go well. Ended up blacking out at Moe's, then having to rush to the bathroom to puke my guts out, then stumbled out of the store looking like the scariest thing ever. My dad had to come pick me up, because I couldn't drive. All around most awful experience ever.
Tuesday: Still some bleeding and dizziness. Called the doctor just to check in and of course they want me to come right in. My mom has to take me since i'm still not driving. GOOD NEWS: Baby's heartbeat sounds good.... bleeding no source of concern right now, just take it easy. BAD NEWS: My blood pressure is 80/50 (very low) which is causing my fainting, dizziness.
Wednesday: SOOOO dizzy. Can't do anything. Almost faint when just trying to walk to the bathroom. My mom was here helping me all day. I felt sooo crappy.
Thursday: Decided to change up some medications in case that was what was making my blood pressure so low. Puked my guts up all morning. If it's not one thing that's going wrong, it's another.
That's all i've got for today...
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Hyperemesis Gravidarum
I've been wanting to do a post about Hyperemesis Gravidarum for a while now. I will be honest, I had NEVER heard of "HG" before I was diagnosed with it. Since then, I have done a lot of research and am now an "advocate," I guess you could say, for Hyperemesis awareness. I have had moments where I felt like no one, not even the doctors, knew what I was going through, and I wished that someone had.
*Quick Disclaimer* During this 2nd pregnancy my Hyperemesis has been NOTHING LIKE some peoples is and NOTHING LIKE it was during my pregnancy with Addisyn. I had a few very rough weeks in the beginning, but I am blessed that God came through for me and I haven't been vomitting much at all recently.
What is Hyperemesis Gravidarum?
Hyperemesis gravidarum (HG) is a severe form of nausea and vomiting in pregnancy. It is generally described as unrelenting, excessive pregnancy-related nausea and/or vomiting that prevents adequate intake of food and fluids. If severe and/or inadequately treated, it is typically associated with:
-loss of greater than 5% of pre-pregnancy body weight (usually over 10%)
-dehydration and production of ketones
-nutritional deficiencies
-metabolic imbalances
-difficulty with daily activities
HG usually extends beyond the first trimester and may resolve by 21 weeks; however, it can last the entire pregnancy in less than half of these women.
Treating HG is very challenging and early intervention is critical. HG is a multifaceted disease that should be approached with a broad view of possible etiologies and complications. When treating mothers with HG, preventing and correcting nutritional deficiencies is a high priority to promote a healthy outcome for mother and child.
Among those women suffering from Hyperemesis, 55% admit to feelings of depression during pregnancy and up to 40% will end up terminating the pregnancy.
The previous information was taken from an AWESOME website www.helpHER.org. I do want to clarify that the HER (Hyperemesis Education and Research) foundation does not in any way encourage abortion as a treatment or solution for hyperemesis, although unfortunately many women choose abortion as a last resort. This website has detailed information on the disease itself, treatment and diagnosis, as well as forums, and support for husbands and family members. Many times I have read through the forums and cried at the desperation and discouragement of these women...and the fact that I could so relate! I was right there with them! Here are a few quotes from the forums:
"This is awful, it's the first day I don't feel like vomiting everywhere and I'm so incredibly tired I can't move my body enough to get out of bed. I asked my husband if I was this tired with our first, because, truly I don't remember anything other than being sick and he said that I would sleep for days at a time if I wasn't vomiting. How can I forget something like that, where can I find the strength to enjoy my family?"
"First of all, I would like to apologize for constantly venting. It's just so hard for me and I am not handling this very well...
I am now 11weeks +3d and see no sign of relief. I am getting more and more scared this life might be my reality for months to come. I am wondering what helps you mentally? How do you handle these thoughts? I cry daily and am so depressed."
"I am just having a pity party for myself, I guess... I am almost 10 wks and it seems so impossible to get through another 30 wks of this! I cry constantly, in between dry heaves and being so dehydrated my tongue is glued to the roof of my mouth. I try cramming in fluids bc I'm scared to death of having to go back to the ER for more IVs, when I just got out 2 days ago from my latest visit! I am depressed, stressed, sicker than I have ever been in my life, and I already love this baby so much that I can't stand the thought of aborting, but there is no end in sight to this! I just want to scream (and usually do) but I'm even too weak to do that. I keep getting suggestions to "try Saltines" and "it'll be over in a couple weeks" and I just want to cry because I know it won't help. I still have my job luckily, but for how long I don't know. How do you guys make the weeks pass and not lose your mind?! I already feel like I'm going insane! I'm on Reglan, Prilosec, Zofran, B6, and just stopped taking Unisom- none of it is working very well!!!!!! That ridiculous combo of drugs downgraded my HG from severe to "moderate" (Whatever that means, it doesn't FEEL moderate), but I still get sick, just not 30-40 times a day."
"In my first pregnancy I was sick but I still wanted to keep the baby. This time the sickness is worse and I hate this baby. I feel like I want to terminate this pregnancy but my husband and mom keep telling me not to talk like that and you can handle this. I don't feel I can. I just came out of hospital yesterday after having been rehydrated but this all feels too hard. How will I ever love a baby that I hate and resent so much at the moment?"
I ask that if you have some free time "surfing the web" please visit this link, www.helpher.org, and read up about Hyperemesis. You never know when you may encounter someone who is currently battling or has battled this disease. Please read through the forums...I promise it will break your heart. Pray for these women! I know from experience the only answer when life seems this dark is Jesus.
When Addisyn was about a year old, I had the opportunity of being introduced to a woman who was going through her 2nd pregnancy with Hyperemesis. She was the only other person I had ever met that had HG. I remember talking with her and the tears were streaming down her face as I could just "relate" to what she was going through, because I had been there. There was weeping as we talked about the physical pain that comes with throwing up for days on end... tears as we talked about the depression... and understanding silence when we admitted to each other that at times a miscarriage would've seemed like the miracle we had prayed for. I haven't spoken to this woman since that day, but i've never had a conversation with anyone like it. It was our only conversation we have ever had...but there was a connection. We understood a facet of each other's worlds that no one else understood...
When I get around to it, I am going to donate to the Hyperemesis Education and Research foundation so that I can get one of these bracelets as a "souvenir"... Mommy Strong.
*Quick Disclaimer* During this 2nd pregnancy my Hyperemesis has been NOTHING LIKE some peoples is and NOTHING LIKE it was during my pregnancy with Addisyn. I had a few very rough weeks in the beginning, but I am blessed that God came through for me and I haven't been vomitting much at all recently.
What is Hyperemesis Gravidarum?
Hyperemesis gravidarum (HG) is a severe form of nausea and vomiting in pregnancy. It is generally described as unrelenting, excessive pregnancy-related nausea and/or vomiting that prevents adequate intake of food and fluids. If severe and/or inadequately treated, it is typically associated with:
-loss of greater than 5% of pre-pregnancy body weight (usually over 10%)
-dehydration and production of ketones
-nutritional deficiencies
-metabolic imbalances
-difficulty with daily activities
HG usually extends beyond the first trimester and may resolve by 21 weeks; however, it can last the entire pregnancy in less than half of these women.
Treating HG is very challenging and early intervention is critical. HG is a multifaceted disease that should be approached with a broad view of possible etiologies and complications. When treating mothers with HG, preventing and correcting nutritional deficiencies is a high priority to promote a healthy outcome for mother and child.
Among those women suffering from Hyperemesis, 55% admit to feelings of depression during pregnancy and up to 40% will end up terminating the pregnancy.
The previous information was taken from an AWESOME website www.helpHER.org. I do want to clarify that the HER (Hyperemesis Education and Research) foundation does not in any way encourage abortion as a treatment or solution for hyperemesis, although unfortunately many women choose abortion as a last resort. This website has detailed information on the disease itself, treatment and diagnosis, as well as forums, and support for husbands and family members. Many times I have read through the forums and cried at the desperation and discouragement of these women...and the fact that I could so relate! I was right there with them! Here are a few quotes from the forums:
"This is awful, it's the first day I don't feel like vomiting everywhere and I'm so incredibly tired I can't move my body enough to get out of bed. I asked my husband if I was this tired with our first, because, truly I don't remember anything other than being sick and he said that I would sleep for days at a time if I wasn't vomiting. How can I forget something like that, where can I find the strength to enjoy my family?"
"First of all, I would like to apologize for constantly venting. It's just so hard for me and I am not handling this very well...
I am now 11weeks +3d and see no sign of relief. I am getting more and more scared this life might be my reality for months to come. I am wondering what helps you mentally? How do you handle these thoughts? I cry daily and am so depressed."
"I am just having a pity party for myself, I guess... I am almost 10 wks and it seems so impossible to get through another 30 wks of this! I cry constantly, in between dry heaves and being so dehydrated my tongue is glued to the roof of my mouth. I try cramming in fluids bc I'm scared to death of having to go back to the ER for more IVs, when I just got out 2 days ago from my latest visit! I am depressed, stressed, sicker than I have ever been in my life, and I already love this baby so much that I can't stand the thought of aborting, but there is no end in sight to this! I just want to scream (and usually do) but I'm even too weak to do that. I keep getting suggestions to "try Saltines" and "it'll be over in a couple weeks" and I just want to cry because I know it won't help. I still have my job luckily, but for how long I don't know. How do you guys make the weeks pass and not lose your mind?! I already feel like I'm going insane! I'm on Reglan, Prilosec, Zofran, B6, and just stopped taking Unisom- none of it is working very well!!!!!! That ridiculous combo of drugs downgraded my HG from severe to "moderate" (Whatever that means, it doesn't FEEL moderate), but I still get sick, just not 30-40 times a day."
"In my first pregnancy I was sick but I still wanted to keep the baby. This time the sickness is worse and I hate this baby. I feel like I want to terminate this pregnancy but my husband and mom keep telling me not to talk like that and you can handle this. I don't feel I can. I just came out of hospital yesterday after having been rehydrated but this all feels too hard. How will I ever love a baby that I hate and resent so much at the moment?"
I ask that if you have some free time "surfing the web" please visit this link, www.helpher.org, and read up about Hyperemesis. You never know when you may encounter someone who is currently battling or has battled this disease. Please read through the forums...I promise it will break your heart. Pray for these women! I know from experience the only answer when life seems this dark is Jesus.
When Addisyn was about a year old, I had the opportunity of being introduced to a woman who was going through her 2nd pregnancy with Hyperemesis. She was the only other person I had ever met that had HG. I remember talking with her and the tears were streaming down her face as I could just "relate" to what she was going through, because I had been there. There was weeping as we talked about the physical pain that comes with throwing up for days on end... tears as we talked about the depression... and understanding silence when we admitted to each other that at times a miscarriage would've seemed like the miracle we had prayed for. I haven't spoken to this woman since that day, but i've never had a conversation with anyone like it. It was our only conversation we have ever had...but there was a connection. We understood a facet of each other's worlds that no one else understood...
When I get around to it, I am going to donate to the Hyperemesis Education and Research foundation so that I can get one of these bracelets as a "souvenir"... Mommy Strong.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Expectations, a tough thing.
This post may be kinda random, but this is my blog so I can be random if I want to:)
Today as I was brainlessly surfing the internet, I came across an interesting blog. I will go ahead and say that "No, I do not know this girl who's blog I read!" (That drives Eric nuts)...but she really had a powerful story to share.
She was telling her own story (much like i'm doing) about pregnancy...only her story was about battling infertility, trying to get pregnant, and trusting God with it all. She works in an OBGYN office, and she shared the sorrow of seeing patient after patient come in, get pregnant, and then have beautiful babies...and yet she and her husband tried to get pregnant for years with no luck. Finally though, she received her miracle and she and her husband were able to conceive! She shares her joy and her gratitude to God for a miracle.
Her story didn't end there though. The day after she got a positive pregnancy test...she started bleeding. She has not miscarried yet, but every day is a trial. She is now getting weekly ultrasounds to make sure her baby still has a heartbeat, and she is constantly bleeding.
Along with the bleeding, she also has had to deal with some very severe kidney stones! She was admitted to the hospital and received many treatments that she wished she didn't have to, considering the pregnancy. She has already tried for years to get pregnant, is now bleeding during her pregnancy, and is having to have these treatments for her kidneys that are considered to be only "generally safe" during pregnancy!!!
As for now, that's where her blog posts end. She last posted this week...she was 11 weeks along. Same as I am now.
During one of her posts, she made the most profound statement.... "One of the most difficult things in life is when we have to grieve the loss of our own expectations." How true! Obviously she had to grieve the loss of her expectations! She wanted children years before she was able to conceive, expected an easy pregnancy, and just wanted to have that "glowing feeling" the whole time. Wow. Her testimony was beautiful though... She trusts God because He is faithful.
Now I am sorry if I seem like a creepy stalker for getting so involved in this woman's story. My heart broke for her though. I could so relate, yet at the same time I can't even imagine the hardships she is going through. I do, however, know what it's like to "grieve the loss of my own expectations." The expectations of how you think pregnancy is going to go... or just life in general. We all have to do it at one point or another and it is never easy. Everyone has expectations and they don't always come about like we think they should. At the end of the day, we can only trust that "God causes ALL THINGS to work together for GOOD to those who love Him and are called according to His purpose." (Romans 8:28)
Today as I was brainlessly surfing the internet, I came across an interesting blog. I will go ahead and say that "No, I do not know this girl who's blog I read!" (That drives Eric nuts)...but she really had a powerful story to share.
She was telling her own story (much like i'm doing) about pregnancy...only her story was about battling infertility, trying to get pregnant, and trusting God with it all. She works in an OBGYN office, and she shared the sorrow of seeing patient after patient come in, get pregnant, and then have beautiful babies...and yet she and her husband tried to get pregnant for years with no luck. Finally though, she received her miracle and she and her husband were able to conceive! She shares her joy and her gratitude to God for a miracle.
Her story didn't end there though. The day after she got a positive pregnancy test...she started bleeding. She has not miscarried yet, but every day is a trial. She is now getting weekly ultrasounds to make sure her baby still has a heartbeat, and she is constantly bleeding.
Along with the bleeding, she also has had to deal with some very severe kidney stones! She was admitted to the hospital and received many treatments that she wished she didn't have to, considering the pregnancy. She has already tried for years to get pregnant, is now bleeding during her pregnancy, and is having to have these treatments for her kidneys that are considered to be only "generally safe" during pregnancy!!!
As for now, that's where her blog posts end. She last posted this week...she was 11 weeks along. Same as I am now.
During one of her posts, she made the most profound statement.... "One of the most difficult things in life is when we have to grieve the loss of our own expectations." How true! Obviously she had to grieve the loss of her expectations! She wanted children years before she was able to conceive, expected an easy pregnancy, and just wanted to have that "glowing feeling" the whole time. Wow. Her testimony was beautiful though... She trusts God because He is faithful.
Now I am sorry if I seem like a creepy stalker for getting so involved in this woman's story. My heart broke for her though. I could so relate, yet at the same time I can't even imagine the hardships she is going through. I do, however, know what it's like to "grieve the loss of my own expectations." The expectations of how you think pregnancy is going to go... or just life in general. We all have to do it at one point or another and it is never easy. Everyone has expectations and they don't always come about like we think they should. At the end of the day, we can only trust that "God causes ALL THINGS to work together for GOOD to those who love Him and are called according to His purpose." (Romans 8:28)
Saturday, May 14, 2011
The Short Conclusion
So wrapping up my pregnancy with Addisyn...
It was hard. And it was long. At least the first half. By about 20 weeks or so I started to feel normal again, and I was blessed to have a relatively happy 2nd half of the pregnancy. There were times I threw up off and on until the end, but I got to experience a pretty normal last 20 weeks all things considered.
I was also blessed to have a very easy, and quick labor and delivery. THAT WAS AWESOME! I had an epidural starting at 4 cm, but it worked for me. When I was admitted to the hospital I told the nurses, "I don't want to be a hero...I just want this to be as quick and painless as possible." And it really was! If the labor and delivery had been as traumatizing as the first half of pregnancy had been I can guarantee... Addisyn would've been an only child. God knew...
Really... I can't think of much more to say about it. There was one breakthrough point I remember, though. I don't remember how far along I was, but it was at one of the lowest points for me. I hadn't left the house for weeks, and I probably hadn't showered in 3 or 4 days. (Showering was the worst... I would either almost pass out because I was so weak, or I would get so sick I would be puking the whole time IN THE SHOWER!) The depression was at an all time high....
It was a Friday night and we were having a worship night at church with Bob Perry. My mom knew I was bad off...physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually...she basically called me and said "Shower and get dressed as best as you can, i'm picking you up for worship night." I remember crying almost the whole time. I was so desperate. So empty. So unsure of how my life had gotten to this point. But God came! Just like He promised. I got prayer and received breakthrough from the darkness and depression. Did I still throw up a lot? Yes... But I was able to smile again. I was able to see that my life was not over.
Now as I look back on my pregnancy with Addisyn, it seems so surreal. Like another person went through that. Like it was another life entirely. Kind of like people say about an awful childbirth, the details of it are a blur...but the overall memory is a hard one.
Now i'm pregnant again. And this time it has some similarities and some differences... I would say i'm doing better this time around. Yes, i've had many iv's and a hospital stay and a whole batch of abnormal thyroid tests...but it seems to be better.
Today it has been one week since i've thrown up! That is a miracle from an Almighty God. I know it is, not only because it's so unexpected, but also because He told me it was. My precious Heavenly Father told me that I am healed...but that's a post all it's own...
It was hard. And it was long. At least the first half. By about 20 weeks or so I started to feel normal again, and I was blessed to have a relatively happy 2nd half of the pregnancy. There were times I threw up off and on until the end, but I got to experience a pretty normal last 20 weeks all things considered.
I was also blessed to have a very easy, and quick labor and delivery. THAT WAS AWESOME! I had an epidural starting at 4 cm, but it worked for me. When I was admitted to the hospital I told the nurses, "I don't want to be a hero...I just want this to be as quick and painless as possible." And it really was! If the labor and delivery had been as traumatizing as the first half of pregnancy had been I can guarantee... Addisyn would've been an only child. God knew...
Really... I can't think of much more to say about it. There was one breakthrough point I remember, though. I don't remember how far along I was, but it was at one of the lowest points for me. I hadn't left the house for weeks, and I probably hadn't showered in 3 or 4 days. (Showering was the worst... I would either almost pass out because I was so weak, or I would get so sick I would be puking the whole time IN THE SHOWER!) The depression was at an all time high....
It was a Friday night and we were having a worship night at church with Bob Perry. My mom knew I was bad off...physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually...she basically called me and said "Shower and get dressed as best as you can, i'm picking you up for worship night." I remember crying almost the whole time. I was so desperate. So empty. So unsure of how my life had gotten to this point. But God came! Just like He promised. I got prayer and received breakthrough from the darkness and depression. Did I still throw up a lot? Yes... But I was able to smile again. I was able to see that my life was not over.
Now as I look back on my pregnancy with Addisyn, it seems so surreal. Like another person went through that. Like it was another life entirely. Kind of like people say about an awful childbirth, the details of it are a blur...but the overall memory is a hard one.
Now i'm pregnant again. And this time it has some similarities and some differences... I would say i'm doing better this time around. Yes, i've had many iv's and a hospital stay and a whole batch of abnormal thyroid tests...but it seems to be better.
Today it has been one week since i've thrown up! That is a miracle from an Almighty God. I know it is, not only because it's so unexpected, but also because He told me it was. My precious Heavenly Father told me that I am healed...but that's a post all it's own...
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
A post about today....an honest post
I know that so far my blog has been a flash back to my pregnancy with Addisyn. I started there because I figured the background information was important to "my story." Tonight though, I'm tired. Really tired. The kind of tired where I really can't put together a complete thought, much less a blog filled with details from two years ago. I'll probably come back to that...but this blog is also about now.
Today something special happened...
My close friend, Michelle Dameron, gave birth to a baby girl, Brielle Colette. She is a beautiful, healthy baby and i'm so happy for Blake, Michelle and big brother Isaac!
It was special for me too, though....
As I looked at the pictures of Brielle, I actually felt excitement about having another baby. I could remember what it was like to hold a newborn, and to have a baby sleep on my chest. I could remember the smells of newborn baby skin, and the giddiness when that sweet little one really smiles for the first time. I imagined having a baby again... and I was EXCITED to have a baby again.
That's been one of the hardest things. The lack of excitement. Once your hopes of a glowing, easy, fun pregnancy are dashed once it's hard to recover. When I got a plus sign on my pregnancy test this time around, I couldn't even think about a baby (even though that is the point of the entire thing). It was more like "Congratulations, you get to have the worst stomach flu ever for 3-4 entire months!!" I remember telling my mom that I didn't like telling people I was pregnant because everyone was so happy for me.... and I just didn't feel it. Of course, I acted happy and excited because that's what you do. But inside, I was scared. I couldn't believe this was happening again.
Today was a breakthrough though. I was so eager to tell Eric tonight about how the pictures of Brielle had made me excited about the end of this "journey." We are going to have a baby again! And my hubby understood. He knew this was a big deal for me.
So anyways, congratulations Dameron family! Bri is so beautiful. And thank you Jesus for a glimmer of hope and perspective. I needed it.
Today something special happened...
My close friend, Michelle Dameron, gave birth to a baby girl, Brielle Colette. She is a beautiful, healthy baby and i'm so happy for Blake, Michelle and big brother Isaac!
It was special for me too, though....
As I looked at the pictures of Brielle, I actually felt excitement about having another baby. I could remember what it was like to hold a newborn, and to have a baby sleep on my chest. I could remember the smells of newborn baby skin, and the giddiness when that sweet little one really smiles for the first time. I imagined having a baby again... and I was EXCITED to have a baby again.
That's been one of the hardest things. The lack of excitement. Once your hopes of a glowing, easy, fun pregnancy are dashed once it's hard to recover. When I got a plus sign on my pregnancy test this time around, I couldn't even think about a baby (even though that is the point of the entire thing). It was more like "Congratulations, you get to have the worst stomach flu ever for 3-4 entire months!!" I remember telling my mom that I didn't like telling people I was pregnant because everyone was so happy for me.... and I just didn't feel it. Of course, I acted happy and excited because that's what you do. But inside, I was scared. I couldn't believe this was happening again.
Today was a breakthrough though. I was so eager to tell Eric tonight about how the pictures of Brielle had made me excited about the end of this "journey." We are going to have a baby again! And my hubby understood. He knew this was a big deal for me.
So anyways, congratulations Dameron family! Bri is so beautiful. And thank you Jesus for a glimmer of hope and perspective. I needed it.
Monday, May 9, 2011
But God...
During my times of sickness in my first pregnancy I learned a lot about God....and faith. Yes, a lot about faith.
I would love to say that I had worship music playing in my bedroom around the clock, but I didn't. I would love to say that I had scriptures written on notecards and taped around the toilet, and that I professed those verses between puking spells. But I didn't... I learned about God in the darkness, the dying, the hopelessness, and the desperation. You know what I learned? He was there. Many times my "encounters" with God during those moments we're pitiful cries of "Jesus help me" as I dry-heaved over the toilet for the millionth time. The encounters with my heavenly Father were the times I whispered "God, I can't do it anymore" as I laid in complete physical pain while my body "ate itself". And HE was there. It brings tears to my eyes to even type those words.
In the darkest moments, I dug deep and stood on the things that I KNEW to be true of our God. He loved me. He was not going to leave me or forsake me. He had plans for my life. He was a good God. These things may seem elementary...but sometimes that's all you need. You don't need huge revelations or entire books of the Bible to stand on....you just need the simple promises, and the resolve to know in the core of your being that those promises are true.
I learned a lot about faith, also. Again, I have nothing amazing to say on the topic of faith. Hebrews 11:1 says "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." For me many times having faith meant being sure of Psalm 118:17, that "I will not die, but live, and will proclaim what the LORD has done." Faith meant knowing that God was there, and that I was going to be able to make it one... more... day.
While I was sick I was in bed (or at the toilet) for about 2 full months. I didn't leave the bed....didn't have the energy too. I would watch tv during the day and usually I watched the same shows every day. It was my own little pitiful routine. For me though, faith many times meant making it to Oprah. I rarely watch Oprah these days, but when I was sick I watched it every day without fail. It came on at 4 or 5pm and I always felt like if I could have the strength to make it to Oprah...I was going to be ok. Not long after Oprah, Eric would come home from work, and not long after that, I could go to bed. Another day would be done. Another day I had lived. Another day closer to my due date (a.k.a "the end!").
These two posts are obviously just a small glimpse into my pregnancy with Addisyn, and I haven't even begun to talk about my pregnancy with baby numero dos. I will come back to the details, but I couldn't reveal the reality of my first post without giving God the glory right away. Now by no means was anything about it simple. I wasn't full of faith...I was more just clinging to the tiniest bit of faith I could muster. But it was enough. My God was enough... He always is...
I would love to say that I had worship music playing in my bedroom around the clock, but I didn't. I would love to say that I had scriptures written on notecards and taped around the toilet, and that I professed those verses between puking spells. But I didn't... I learned about God in the darkness, the dying, the hopelessness, and the desperation. You know what I learned? He was there. Many times my "encounters" with God during those moments we're pitiful cries of "Jesus help me" as I dry-heaved over the toilet for the millionth time. The encounters with my heavenly Father were the times I whispered "God, I can't do it anymore" as I laid in complete physical pain while my body "ate itself". And HE was there. It brings tears to my eyes to even type those words.
In the darkest moments, I dug deep and stood on the things that I KNEW to be true of our God. He loved me. He was not going to leave me or forsake me. He had plans for my life. He was a good God. These things may seem elementary...but sometimes that's all you need. You don't need huge revelations or entire books of the Bible to stand on....you just need the simple promises, and the resolve to know in the core of your being that those promises are true.
I learned a lot about faith, also. Again, I have nothing amazing to say on the topic of faith. Hebrews 11:1 says "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." For me many times having faith meant being sure of Psalm 118:17, that "I will not die, but live, and will proclaim what the LORD has done." Faith meant knowing that God was there, and that I was going to be able to make it one... more... day.
While I was sick I was in bed (or at the toilet) for about 2 full months. I didn't leave the bed....didn't have the energy too. I would watch tv during the day and usually I watched the same shows every day. It was my own little pitiful routine. For me though, faith many times meant making it to Oprah. I rarely watch Oprah these days, but when I was sick I watched it every day without fail. It came on at 4 or 5pm and I always felt like if I could have the strength to make it to Oprah...I was going to be ok. Not long after Oprah, Eric would come home from work, and not long after that, I could go to bed. Another day would be done. Another day I had lived. Another day closer to my due date (a.k.a "the end!").
These two posts are obviously just a small glimpse into my pregnancy with Addisyn, and I haven't even begun to talk about my pregnancy with baby numero dos. I will come back to the details, but I couldn't reveal the reality of my first post without giving God the glory right away. Now by no means was anything about it simple. I wasn't full of faith...I was more just clinging to the tiniest bit of faith I could muster. But it was enough. My God was enough... He always is...
Intro...Welcome
I'm mainly creating this blog for me. I need an "outlet." A place to be real. Sometimes very real.
Pregnancy for me is different than for many other people. It's hard. It's a true physical sacrifice. I feel so guilty when I hear of women who try for years to get pregnant and battle infertility and are overjoyed to get a plus sign on their pee stick. The plus sign part has been easy for me so far...and trust me, I don't take that lightly. I thank God for the gift of life that he has placed in my body and for entrusting me to mother another one of His sons or daughters.
However...when I found out this time that I was pregnant again I panicked. I woke up the next morning crying and told Eric, "I can't do it again! I just can't."
Two and a half years ago when I found out I was pregnant with Addisyn in December of 2008, I was truly ecstatic. That new mom, glowing, wanting to tell everyone right away kind of excited. I probably contemplated putting the postive pregnancy tests (yes many of them) in a shadow box to save forever and ever. My life was now perfect! And it always somewhat had been... Obviously there had been difficulties, but I was so blessed with a wonderful family, an amazing husband that I married at 21, a good job, and a beautiful home. This pregnancy was just the icing on the cake to my picture perfect life. Bring on the maternity clothes and prenatal vitamins, because I was pumped!
Then it hit. Christmas Day was the first time I threw up. "Aww shucks, morning sickness...just a part of it." If only I had known....
Normal morning sickness was not what I had. I was diagnosed with a condition called Hyperemesis Gravidarum (please google it if you've never heard of it). Basically, it means you are nauseous 24-7... but more than that, you are vomiting 24-7. I would wake up at 7 am, rush to the toilet and throw up constantly until I could finally cry myself to sleep around midnight. Everyone told me to drink ginger ale and eat crackers and I wanted to slap them. Did they know how many crackers I had puked up?!?!?! Nothing stayed down. I was in the hospital for hydration at one point. I dropped weight quickly. I remember being in the hospital and the nurses literally telling me that my body had started to eat itself because it was so deprived of nutrients. Great. It was a dark place for me. I can't explain it. I've never been through anything like it before. My "perfect life" bubble was popped. I also had abnormal thyroid levels come into the mix....classic. I battled with depression. I remember laying my head on the toilet seat after throwing up for days on end and praying that I would have a miscarriage. (40% of women who are diagnosed with Hyperemesis end up terminating the pregnancy because they just can't do it). I thought I was going to die at times...
But God...
to be continued
Pregnancy for me is different than for many other people. It's hard. It's a true physical sacrifice. I feel so guilty when I hear of women who try for years to get pregnant and battle infertility and are overjoyed to get a plus sign on their pee stick. The plus sign part has been easy for me so far...and trust me, I don't take that lightly. I thank God for the gift of life that he has placed in my body and for entrusting me to mother another one of His sons or daughters.
However...when I found out this time that I was pregnant again I panicked. I woke up the next morning crying and told Eric, "I can't do it again! I just can't."
Two and a half years ago when I found out I was pregnant with Addisyn in December of 2008, I was truly ecstatic. That new mom, glowing, wanting to tell everyone right away kind of excited. I probably contemplated putting the postive pregnancy tests (yes many of them) in a shadow box to save forever and ever. My life was now perfect! And it always somewhat had been... Obviously there had been difficulties, but I was so blessed with a wonderful family, an amazing husband that I married at 21, a good job, and a beautiful home. This pregnancy was just the icing on the cake to my picture perfect life. Bring on the maternity clothes and prenatal vitamins, because I was pumped!
Then it hit. Christmas Day was the first time I threw up. "Aww shucks, morning sickness...just a part of it." If only I had known....
Normal morning sickness was not what I had. I was diagnosed with a condition called Hyperemesis Gravidarum (please google it if you've never heard of it). Basically, it means you are nauseous 24-7... but more than that, you are vomiting 24-7. I would wake up at 7 am, rush to the toilet and throw up constantly until I could finally cry myself to sleep around midnight. Everyone told me to drink ginger ale and eat crackers and I wanted to slap them. Did they know how many crackers I had puked up?!?!?! Nothing stayed down. I was in the hospital for hydration at one point. I dropped weight quickly. I remember being in the hospital and the nurses literally telling me that my body had started to eat itself because it was so deprived of nutrients. Great. It was a dark place for me. I can't explain it. I've never been through anything like it before. My "perfect life" bubble was popped. I also had abnormal thyroid levels come into the mix....classic. I battled with depression. I remember laying my head on the toilet seat after throwing up for days on end and praying that I would have a miscarriage. (40% of women who are diagnosed with Hyperemesis end up terminating the pregnancy because they just can't do it). I thought I was going to die at times...
But God...
to be continued
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