Intro...Welcome

I'm mainly creating this blog for me. I need an "outlet." A place to be real. Sometimes very real.

Pregnancy for me is different than for many other people. It's hard. It's a true physical sacrifice. I feel so guilty when I hear of women who try for years to get pregnant and battle infertility and are overjoyed to get a plus sign on their pee stick. The plus sign part has been easy for me so far...and trust me, I don't take that lightly. I thank God for the gift of life that he has placed in my body and for entrusting me to mother another one of His sons or daughters.

However...when I found out this time that I was pregnant again I panicked. I woke up the next morning crying and told Eric, "I can't do it again! I just can't."

Two and a half years ago when I found out I was pregnant with Addisyn in December of 2008, I was truly ecstatic. That new mom, glowing, wanting to tell everyone right away kind of excited. I probably contemplated putting the postive pregnancy tests (yes many of them) in a shadow box to save forever and ever. My life was now perfect! And it always somewhat had been... Obviously there had been difficulties, but I was so blessed with a wonderful family, an amazing husband that I married at 21, a good job, and a beautiful home. This pregnancy was just the icing on the cake to my picture perfect life. Bring on the maternity clothes and prenatal vitamins, because I was pumped!

Then it hit. Christmas Day was the first time I threw up. "Aww shucks, morning sickness...just a part of it." If only I had known....

Normal morning sickness was not what I had. I was diagnosed with a condition called Hyperemesis Gravidarum (please google it if you've never heard of it). Basically, it means you are nauseous 24-7... but more than that, you are vomiting 24-7. I would wake up at 7 am, rush to the toilet and throw up constantly until I could finally cry myself to sleep around midnight. Everyone told me to drink ginger ale and eat crackers and I wanted to slap them. Did they know how many crackers I had puked up?!?!?! Nothing stayed down. I was in the hospital for hydration at one point. I dropped weight quickly. I remember being in the hospital and the nurses literally telling me that my body had started to eat itself because it was so deprived of nutrients. Great. It was a dark place for me. I can't explain it. I've never been through anything like it before. My "perfect life" bubble was popped. I also had abnormal thyroid levels come into the mix....classic. I battled with depression. I remember laying my head on the toilet seat after throwing up for days on end and praying that I would have a miscarriage. (40% of women who are diagnosed with Hyperemesis end up terminating the pregnancy because they just can't do it). I thought I was going to die at times...

But God...

to be continued