But God...

During my times of sickness in my first pregnancy I learned a lot about God....and faith. Yes, a lot about faith.

I would love to say that I had worship music playing in my bedroom around the clock, but I didn't. I would love to say that I had scriptures written on notecards and taped around the toilet, and that I professed those verses between puking spells. But I didn't... I learned about God in the darkness, the dying, the hopelessness, and the desperation. You know what I learned? He was there. Many times my "encounters" with God during those moments we're pitiful cries of "Jesus help me" as I dry-heaved over the toilet for the millionth time. The encounters with my heavenly Father were the times I whispered "God, I can't do it anymore" as I laid in complete physical pain while my body "ate itself". And HE was there. It brings tears to my eyes to even type those words.

In the darkest moments, I dug deep and stood on the things that I KNEW to be true of our God. He loved me. He was not going to leave me or forsake me. He had plans for my life. He was a good God. These things may seem elementary...but sometimes that's all you need. You don't need huge revelations or entire books of the Bible to stand on....you just need the simple promises, and the resolve to know in the core of your being that those promises are true.

I learned a lot about faith, also. Again, I have nothing amazing to say on the topic of faith. Hebrews 11:1 says "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." For me many times having faith meant being sure of Psalm 118:17, that "I will not die, but live, and will proclaim what the LORD has done." Faith meant knowing that God was there, and that I was going to be able to make it one... more... day.

While I was sick I was in bed (or at the toilet) for about 2 full months. I didn't leave the bed....didn't have the energy too. I would watch tv during the day and usually I watched the same shows every day. It was my own little pitiful routine. For me though, faith many times meant making it to Oprah. I rarely watch Oprah these days, but when I was sick I watched it every day without fail. It came on at 4 or 5pm and I always felt like if I could have the strength to make it to Oprah...I was going to be ok. Not long after Oprah, Eric would come home from work, and not long after that, I could go to bed. Another day would be done. Another day I had lived. Another day closer to my due date (a.k.a "the end!").

These two posts are obviously just a small glimpse into my pregnancy with Addisyn, and I haven't even begun to talk about my pregnancy with baby numero dos. I will come back to the details, but I couldn't reveal the reality of my first post without giving God the glory right away. Now by no means was anything about it simple. I wasn't full of faith...I was more just clinging to the tiniest bit of faith I could muster. But it was enough. My God was enough... He always is...